Salmon Burrito

The best part of working in a restaurant is having the ability to drop in on peoples conversations. I mostly enjoy the mother-daughter conflicts as they are the best. The other night was no exception.

I walked in at this point..."MOM PLEEEASE. PLEASE LET ME."

"Write me an essay and I think about."

"Why can't I just tell you NOOOOW why i should go."

"I want an essay, a really big essay."

"Dad will you PLEASE tell mom she is a fucking idiot."

"Robert, Robert are you gonna let her talk to me like this. ROBERT tell me your not gonna just sit there and do nothing."

I got involved at this point. "Sir, would you like me to fill up your diet coke." He lifted his head up to give me a little nod. I walked away trying to hold back my tears of laughter. When i returned the situation had changed completely.

"I'm gonna write a really really big essay mommy." She then made a sign with her hands and arms as to show her mother how big essay was going to be.

"Thank you baby. I love you" They then preceded to hug and kiss each other. The little girl then took some of her brothers coloring paper and crayons and started drafting her essay. This time i was coming over with the food, i handed out everything except for one.

"Salmon Burrito?"

"That's for my little angle" Patting her daughters , running her fingers through her hair.

"WHHHHAT! I wanted a shrimp burrito. You are so fucking stupid mom."

Brian Wilson Rebuttal

Dear Abigal,

My young Jane Austin....you have figured out the the glimmer in my eye. I'm surprised it has taken even this long for you to figure out my affection. If it was not for the simple fact you received an A in my class yet you turned in only 4 out of the 10 reading assignments and never scored above a 70 on the exams. Those time you caught me staring at you, I was only filled with the deadliest sin of lust for your youthful breast. Your milky white skin drives me to think as a wild animal. I wanted nothing more then to just simply touch you. Touch you with my lips, pressing them firmly against your womanhood.

As for the issue of my wife, we live a life of understanding as you may or may not understand. I make sure that bread is on the table, she makes sure she does not know the secrets of my night life. I want you Abigal. I will have you.

Love,

Dick Longus

P.S. For your protection and my own, I suggest that you delete this letter seeing as a relationship in this manner may result in the lose of my position as your teacher.

This shit is Gay

Im only writin this stupd thing bcuz my girlfrend wants me 2. Al i wana do Is watch som fucken lezbeins fuckin butt i got to right this dum blog. WTF iz a blog anywy. I memba 1 time coch told us at practis that fag parez hiltin had a bllog. Fuck i beter not b a fag 4 hafin one of dez.

Something I learned in the kitchen today

While working, my good friend Marcial (a Mexican cook) decided to let me in on some knowledge about the soy beef. 

He told me, flat out, that it smelled and looked like pussy. He even said he kinda tasted like it too. Not only was I disgusted, but i threw up in my mouth which made the situation worse for me. 

Soy beef looks like a pinkish ground beef, with some seed-like things in it. It looks more like a rotten raw meat that had fly larva rolling around in it. But hey maybe that's what Mexicans are into.

FACT

To really be a lesbian you must also be a vegetarian. The reason is, no self respecting lesbian would ever eat meat.

I know what i must do

I've decided i will be trying out for a reality show on VH1. I don't care if its a game show, a show about how I need tough love or I'm a tool, or even a dating show at this point. I just know that if I was to get on one of these shows, in turn I would end up with a spin-off show of my own. I mean they gave Daisy a show, and that bitch looks like a fish with boobs and tattoos. 

Now i know when you read this you may worry for my sanity. Your probably thinking I will end up like Tiffany Pollard, really New York to most of us, and I will never amount to more then Z-list fame. You think I will probably end up trying to rob a bank and everyone will be like "holy shit its that fat guy from VH1." That chances are your right. But by god i will try my best not to let that happen. I refuse to end up a gay bald Liberian. 

American Eagel

I was in the store the other day just looking for sandals and a women comes up to me and asked if I worked there. I walked out of the store immediately. I hope she got the hint.

Question?

If you are wearing a snuggie and having cybersex, does that count as being fucked in a snuggie?

Down the streets of Nyack

It about 3:30 and I'm walking down main street in Nyack. Its grey outside, and appears as if its minutes away from raining. Just about to come to the corner of one of the side streets when a bum turns the corner as well. But this was not just a bum, this was a bum smoking a blunt. I couldn't help but laugh out of shock. We both made eye contact as i started to laugh. He took the blunt out of his mouth and said "want a hit?". My instinct was free weed so i reached for it, but after quickly thinking in my head about the situation I passed. The image was plastered against my brain of him rolling a blunt filled with crack and that shit would not be good to smoke before i walked into work. I walked away truly respecting the bum because he, in his own way, was standing up to the man. He was in a situation that he could no longer afford living and decided to smoke in public and stick it to them. I also thought it was ironic that he had no money for clean cloths but he had enough for weed and a dutch. 

Thinking about all this later on, I'm a little upset that i let an opportunity like this slip out of my hands. The only real positive is that once you smoke pot with a bum, your pretty much guaranteeing yourself that same outcome in life.

Hogan's

This afternoon, around 1, after spending a good part of the morning working like an illegal immigrant moving stage props and cruising around in a white truck, it was time to take a break for lunch. We stopped at an old diner off the highway that is usually crowded by lots of men and women well over 60 who seem order the same meal and eat at the same table week after week. When i eat here i usually pay not attention to anyone around and just go about my business like the good little Mexican worker I'm supposed to be. 

Well today was different. I took notice to everyone and everything around me, and boy did that prove to be entertaining. First off when you walk in there is a cash register with a little women standing behind it. The women looks in her mid-50's and very fake. She has overly tan skin for the winter, she wore the same outfit as a 12 year old but the shoes the shoes that grandparents usually wear. Her hair was blown out a little like a women would have in the 80's, and her nails were long and white with little designs only on the thumbs.  Right past here are booths everywhere, no actual tables are in this place. I guess your fucked if you come in with more then four people. There is also a bar with swivel seats, and on the counter behind it there was pastries that looked as old as the people sitting at the bar. The waitresses are all wear black pants and black vests with a white button down underneath. The Mexican busboys were wearing old school red polo shirts with their names on them and are constantly walking around caring one regular and one decaf pitcher of coffee filing up every ones cup that is not filled to the top.

But honestly its what happened in the table next to me that was hilarious. 

An older women sat down by herself in a booth. She sat there with a massive smile on her face. The waitress came over a couple of minutes later and asked her if she needed a menu. 

She replied "I would love a menu honey". After the waitress brought her a menu she says "I'm all ready to order". She never even opened the menu, she came in knowing exactly what she wanted. This is where the conversation got good.

"What can i get for you?"

"Can I have a Diet Coke and a spinach and broccoli omelet. I'm gonna be healthy today, but that's not going to stop me from having my cup of ice cream after" a light giggle to herself, "I want to be skinny again, just like you."

"You don't wanna be like me, i sit around food all day and then when i go home all i wanna do is eat. Would you like potatoes with that?"

"No Dear, no carbs for me, not on this diet"

"What kind of toast would you like?"

"What?" she tilted her head to the side as to move her ear closer. 

"What kind of toast would you like?"

"Rye please."

Well she got all her food, ate at a normal pace. She also got her cup of coffee and bowl of ice cream after her lunch. She sat by herself but seemed very happy the entire time. After all this the waitress came by to give us our checks. She stopped for a second though to look outside.

"What that going on out there, construction."

The old women "Yes dear, they're working on the bridge."

"They are going to close the bridge arn't they...yep i see the sign on the 1st they are going to close it." She then began to write down the prices and bill over everything. With a very stern and straight looking face "I hate change."

The old women behind her "Me too honey, me too."

New Goal

I would like one hit song before i die. I'm still trying to figure out if im going to cover a song, sample a bad ass song from the 80's or im gonna try and creat my own. The genre is also still up in the air. It's at this point between a hip-hop song where i rap and sing, a techno/gay club song, or a classic country ballad. Honestly im just looking to be on the playlist of teen potheads across the nation.

Ward, I'm very worried about the Beaver.

Its time to take a trip down memory lane...

So I'm about 9 or 10 years old, im in 4th grade and my grandparents are watching me and my sisters at my house. My parents were still trying to hold on to a life they had before children. The irony of it was the series of events that night would eventually lead to my little brother Tyler. But anyway thats not the real story. I was down stairs in the "playroom" which in reality was the laundry room with a televison that had a vhs. 

I had a 3 choices of movies that night. I could have watched The Little Mermaid, my favorite as a child, but honestly how many times can you watch that movie without questioning your sexuality, even as a 4th grader. I could have watched a movie about the letters Q and U. It was a video series designated to each letter of the alphabet, but in this case the two letter were together, i guess the company making these videos decided the letter Q couldn't really sell on its own and had to jazz the offer up. I was left with one other option, The Breakfest Club. So i decided i was gonna watch the movie my mother couldn't shut up about, talking about the best movie of the 80's and what not.

So i popped in the movie, and made myself comfortable on the small pile of cloths that i was calling my armchair. I decided to close the door so my grandparents couldn't hear. My grandparents didn't really like me watching The Nightmare Before Christmas, they thought it was just a little too scarey for their little man, so i knew that a PG 13 movie was not gonna fly. As i can remember the movie starts out with everyone going into the library for a saturday detention. I was clueless at the time to most of what was going on or what anyone was saying. I was mostly entertained by them running away from the principle and standing up to authority, the things elementary students only dream of.

My introduction into teenhood was cut short however. My little sister Corrin decided it was not allowed for me to have alone time for over an hour and it was her time for a guest apperance. Well after a couple minutes of yelling back and forth she left the room in defeat but left one last attack on me, leaving the door open and for all to hear what was going on downstairs. Well, just as my luck would have it, the word "Prick" was screamed out of the speakers and into the gentle ears of my grandparents. Well before i could even begin to figure out what the word prick was in reference to the television was off and i was forced to sit in the living room and watch reruns of "The Nanny" until i fell asleep.

I watched the movie again recently and was able to fully understand all the movie had to offer. The term "hot beef injection" was not a literal interpretation of a doctor giving a patiant a shot of meat into someone. The cloud of smoke was actually weed and they were dancing because they were high, not because that was the cool thing to do. And lastly, that the movie has nothing to actually do with breakfest as they only eat lunch during their time in detention.

Yes i watched Ashley Parker Angles tv show

I'm 19 years old, why the fuck do i have to know what im going to do with the rest of my life. I know one thing i want to do, and thats live life the fulliest and enjoy it. At this moment i enjoy living life week by week, or better yet day by day. 

I dont understand people around me who have these plans to be succesful by the time they are 30 so they can retire at the age of 40. If im working till the day i die so be it, i dont think i should be planning when im not working anymore. If we are planning everything are we gonna set a date for the death of our souls? 

We are letting the media tell us we have to do this or else, well i say right here right now we go against that. Lets pack our shit and hit the open road, i want to experience all that life has to offer, not what my small town has already showed me ten times.

You've got no dignity Muriel

I've been pushing off this post for awhile now because i thought i should be under the influence of some drug to actually be funny or whitty. But the truth is im funnier when im just myself. I know that might come off as concided, but it was ment to.

I have no real purpose to right a blog but by god im gonna do it. Im not famous(yet) and most people dont give a fuck what I have to say. Actually thats not true, alot of people care what i have to say (proven by the fact that your reading this now). Maybe this will be my platform to stardom or ill have to except the fact that im going to get famous by hanging on the coat tails by someone around me, or killing someone else who is famous and having them film a cool movie about my life. I would even settle for a cool HBO series about my life.